


I Could Never Live Without You

by MissConstance



Category: Blindspot (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Tasha and Patterson are in love okay, Tasha goes undercover and Patterson doesn't like that at all, Undercover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-04-21 04:57:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14277384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissConstance/pseuds/MissConstance
Summary: It's been weeks since the dragonfly tattoo case but Patterson is still mad at Tasha, and she can't live with it.When Keaton proposes her an undercover mission, she accepts. At least, it would give Patterson some time.However, she didn't know that the mission would take a turn for the worst.





	1. I'm going to miss you

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by Emily Prentiss story in Criminal Minds (i love it too much).  
> It's for those who keep talking about angst zapatterson and Tasha's death (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) you're welcome

11 pm. Tasha was headed home. She just got out of a meeting with Keaton. He had wanted to talk to her about a special undercover operation the CIA was ready to put into place. An international terrorist named Ian Forster had resurfaced after five years and was planning several attacks in Europe. They needed to stop him immediately. But they had no Intel and no one on the inside. They had nothing to find him and arrest him. They desperately needed someone on the inside. Otherwise, they couldn’t get to him without risking lives and waste time. They needed a way in and they needed it now.   
That was why Keaton had contacted her. She was perfect for the mission. She had the right skill set and training. She could be a useful asset. And above all, she was Forster’s type. She would be able to get in easily and. She knew she could get valuable information and even, in the long shot, arrest him and put a stop to his activities. She would fit in perfectly; she knew it. And she was actually considering it. 

A month ago, she would have said no without hesitation. Her team was her family and she wouldn’t leave them. She wasn’t ready to leave them, or rather; she wasn’t ready to leave Patterson.   
The blonde scientist had stolen her heart since the moment they first met. Tasha remembers Patterson coming to her, introducing herself awkwardly, before giggling, embarrassed. That’s when she had completely and utterly fallen for her. Thinking about it even now makes her smile.   
She now had been successfully hiding her feelings for the scientist for years (and even when she thought she would get over it, by seeing Patterson with other men, her feelings for her only grew stronger). She had never been brave enough to tell her how she felt, and now, she was probably never going to have the chance to tell her. Patterson hated her.

At first, she had tried everything to fix things between them but it hadn’t worked. Now, Tasha had given up. Patterson wasn’t speaking to her, wasn’t even looking at her. It has been weeks! Tasha couldn’t face it anymore. She loved her so much. But knowing that she hated her was too much for her to handle. She had lived years alongside her while hiding her feelings and playing the part of her best friend (when she was dying to kiss her, hold her, touch her), but it was with a Patterson who loved her, even only as a friend. But now, she couldn’t even dream of that! Not with Patterson not even looking at her. She couldn’t go to work everyday to be ignored by the girl she loved. It was too hard. 

That was why Tasha was seriously considering the mission. She didn’t want to leave Patterson. But she couldn’t be with her either. And she knew that she wouldn’t be able to keep that up any longer. It was beyond her. She wasn’t strong enough. She needed to get away or she would end up by confessing everything to Patterson. She couldn’t let that happen. Not now. Maybe never. And maybe Patterson was better off without her. What told her that she be interested in her anyway? 

Her team didn’t trust her, and the girl she loved didn’t care about her anymore. She had nothing left there. So why not go for it? Maybe some time off would be good for her… She doubted it, but she had to consider it. 

Tasha finally reached her apartment and unlocked the door. After putting on comfy clothes, she took the file that Keaton had given her on Forster. She would study the case and make a decision then. She hoped it would be the right one. 

\---

The next morning, she came to work earlier than usual. She needed to speak with Reade.   
She had made a decision last night. She was going to do the mission. She’d already called Keaton; her mind was made up. She was going to see Reade and tell him. She didn’t want to be the one to announce it to the team. She didn’t want to see their reactions. No. She didn’t want to see Patterson’s reaction. She would still have liked to say goodbye to her. But why did it matter? She hated her. She would only be glad that she’s not in her way anymore. 

Still, Tasha felt like she was making the wrong choice. Maybe it was because she didn’t want to leave Patterson.   
“Stop!” She thought to herself. “She doesn’t want to see you! She doesn’t love you!”   
No, she was making the right decision, if her heart wasn’t with her, it didn’t matter. She didn’t need it to accomplish the mission. She needed her brain and her might. And she was ready.   
She was going to do it; and maybe, when she’ll come back, Patterson wouldn’t be mad at her anymore. Maybe she’ll even miss her. Maybe. 

She entered Reade’s office with this thought in her mind. He raised his head and smiled when he saw her.   
“Zapata, hey!”  
“Hey,” she answered with a small smile. “I wanted to talk to you.”   
“Yeah, what is it?”  
“I’m going to be off the team for a while.”   
Reade frowned. “Why? Is something wrong?”  
“No. I’m doing a mission for the CIA. It might take weeks, months even.”   
“Tasha, why now?”  
She looked at him, blankly. “You know why.”   
He sighed. “You don’t have to do that you know. She just needs time, like all of us. But…”  
“Well, that’s what I’m giving her. Time.”   
“Tasha…”  
“I’ve already made up my mind, Reade. I just wanted to let you know.”  
She gave him one last smile and left his office before he could say anything else. 

On her way to the elevator, after she collected all her stuff, Tasha saw Patterson leave her lab, probably to announce a new case. She watched her fiddle with her tablet. She looked so beautiful.   
The elevators doors opened with a ding. Patterson looked up in her direction. They eyes met. Time seemed to stop. Tasha couldn’t breathe. She would give anything to run back into the arms of the blonde. But, she had made her decision. So, she lowered her eyes and went into the elevator.   
God, she hoped it was the right choice. 

\---

After Tasha left, Patterson stayed frozen to the spot. Why did Tasha leave? They had a case. She saw her; she must know that they have a case. And anyway, she never left work during the day, especially unannounced. Maybe she was just getting herself a coffee or something. Yes, that must be it. She would be back. 

Patterson was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t see Weller and Jane standing in front of her, waiting. “Do we have a case?” He asked her.  
“What?” She stared at them like they’d just appeared from nowhere. “A case? Yes, yes, we do! I solved a tattoo!”   
Jane frowned slightly. “You’re okay?”   
“Yeah, of course!” She reassured her, before glancing one last time to the elevator doors, hoping to see Tasha come back. Seeing no one, she went in front of the board and looked down at her tablet. Weller had gone to get Reade. But there was still no sign of Tasha.   
Where was she? 

Reade finally joined them, and, before she could say anything, he cleared his throat and started to speak. “As you may have noticed, Zapata is not here today.”  
Patterson looked at him with attention. Was she sick? She was never sick! She never took a sick day since the day she met her. And she was here earlier, so that couldn’t be that. But what was it then?   
“She decided to do a special mission for the CIA, meaning she’ll be off the team for a while.” 

What? For a while? A special mission? What does it mean?   
Patterson didn’t understand. Why would she leave suddenly without even saying goodbye? Why would she even want to be back at the CIA? They were family, weren’t they? She couldn’t just leave!   
“What special mission? Did Keaton request her to be back?” Jane asked Reade. She was confused, like all of them.   
“She didn’t tell me anything specific. She just came by to tell me she was leaving for an undetermined period of time. I don’t know more than you do.”   
“That doesn’t look like her,” Weller remarked.   
“Kurt’s right. Why wouldn’t she tell us?” Jane said.   
“I don’t know! Like I told you, I don’t know anything more.”   
Reade didn’t know what to tell them; Tasha hadn’t been specific on where she was going and what she was doing. How was he supposed to know! 

While Weller and Jane keep asking Reade questions about Tasha’s unexpected departure, Patterson couldn’t think. Tasha couldn’t just leave like that. She must have had a reason. She must have wanted to get away from something, or someone…

“Why?” Patterson asked suddenly. She hadn’t said a word since Reade told them Tasha had left, but despite her hazy thoughts, she noticed he had never said why. “Why did she leave?”   
There was silence. Everyone looked at Reade.   
“Like I told you, she didn’t say…”  
“Reade, why did she leave?”   
He didn’t answer.   
“Is it because of me?” Patterson’s voice was shaky.   
“Patterson, of course not…”  
“Then, why did she leave?” 

She was trembling. Reade’s silence was her answer. Tasha didn’t feel comfortable within the team. She didn’t feel like she belonged to this family. Because of her. Because she avoided her, for weeks. She’d wanted Tasha to feel how much it had hurt her. She’d wanted her to know what it was like to be betrayed by your closest friend. She’d been mad at her. But she loved her too. She loved her so much. That’s why it had hurt so much. Tasha hadn’t trusted her enough to tell her the truth. And she had been angry and cold and desperate. She’d wanted her to feel the pain she felt.   
But maybe, she had been too hard on her. Maybe Tasha now believed she hated her. And that was why she left. She never meant for this to happen. She could never hate her. She wasn’t ready to be without her. 

“She just needs some time. She’ll be back once she’s done with her mission.” Reade tried to reassure her.   
“How do you know that?” Patterson asked him, her voice trembling.   
“I don’t, but we are her family. She’ll come back, I promise you.”   
Patterson nodded, but she wasn’t so sure. What if she decided to continue with the CIA? What if she didn’t want to see her again? What if she had ruined everything? What if it was too late? 

Still, Patterson swallowed back her tears, took her tablet and started to present the case. It was neither the time nor the place to think about it. Once this was over, she’ll try to make things right with Tasha. 

When she had learned about Borden, she had wanted Tasha as far away from her as possible. She couldn’t bear to see her. But now that she wasn’t here, she couldn’t wait to see her again, to hold her, to kiss her. She’ll never let her go again. 

But first, she had to find her.


	2. Do you miss me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tasha has been gone for weeks. Weeks without news and it's killing Patterson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not completely satisfied with this chapter so i might change it a bit at some point...  
> Still hope you enjoy it!

Patterson promised herself that she would find Tasha. 

But it’s been weeks and she still didn’t know anything about her mission and her location. Damn be the CIA! She had been harassing Keaton by texts and phone calls for weeks, but he’d given her nothing. She had nothing on Tasha! She didn’t know where she was, what she was doing, with whom she was dealing. She didn’t even know if she was okay.   
And it’s been weeks.   
She could be injured or, worse, her identity could be compromised, and she wouldn’t know. She was completely in the dark. And she hated it. 

Why did she have to accept this mission? Why did she have to leave her? Why didn’t she say goodbye? 

No knowing anything drover her crazy, and still, it wasn’t the worst. The worst was thinking Tasha left because she thought she was mad at her and she’ll better be off without her. The worst was knowing that Tasha left because she thought she hated her. She left without saying goodbye because she was too upset to even talk to her. Patterson felt so guilty thinking about the way she’d treated her. She knew she’d been unfair. She knew she shouldn’t have been so hard on her, on her best friend, on the person she loved the most. Why did she have to be like that? Why did she have to push her away? Why? 

If something happened to her and the last thing she said to her was that she didn’t deserve to be her friend, she would never forgive herself. If something happened to her…

Oh God, no. Please let her be safe! 

Patterson couldn’t think.

She was in her lab, trying to solve another tattoo, but she couldn’t focus. She couldn’t think of anything else but Tasha. What she was doing, what she was thinking… Was she thinking about her? Was she missing her?   
She hoped she did, but then, after everything that’d happened, she wasn’t so sure. Did she ruin their relationship to the point of no return? Did she mess up everything? Would Tasha forgive her; if she ever came back home safe and sound? 

She didn’t know. 

She hated it. She was supposed to be the one who always finds solutions. She was great at solving problems, enigmas, puzzles… It was her job! But right now, she couldn’t fix anything. She didn’t have the answers. And it was killing her. 

She needed to know! She needed to know if Tasha was safe! She couldn’t just stand by and wait! She just couldn’t! 

Patterson got up and put all her research on the tattoo in her files. “I need to take a break,” she said to her co-workers, before leaving the room. 

She needed to know something about Tasha’s situation. No a lot, just if she was okay; if the operation was going well. She needed to know if she was safe. 

She headed to the elevators. She knew exactly who she had to see. 

\---

Rich was sitting at his desk, playing on his phone, not doing anything particular. As usual. The team only called him when they absolutely needed him. Which was not the case for today. Neither had it been for the previous days. Or weeks.   
That didn’t bother him that much. He had a lot of free time that way. But he’d have like it if they’d shown him a bit more of interest, or appreciation. Really, that could be nice. 

Suddenly he heard his door open and a very anxious Patterson entered his room.   
“I need your help!” She said, walking up to him.   
Rich jumped to his feet. “You solved another tattoo! Which one is it? No, let me guess, is it the one with…”  
“Rich! It’s not about the tattoos.” Patterson interrupted him sharply.   
“Oh okay.” He looked confused. “Then, what is it?”  
Patterson twisted her hands nervously and looked away.   
“Patterson?”   
She took a deep breath.   
“I need you to find Tasha.”   
Rich frowned. He was even more confused. “Zapata? She doesn’t work here anymore.”   
“She does. She’s just away on a mission but she still works here.” Patterson’s tone was cold.   
“Okay, wow, sorry, I didn’t mean that!” Rich didn’t really understand what was going on but he wasn’t going to upset her. Angry Patterson was the last thing he wanted. He would never ever tell anyone, but she was kind of scaring him sometimes. 

“So, why do you want to find her?”  
Patterson tucked her hair behind her ear. “Um… I need to know what is her mission. She didn’t say anything when she left and I need to know.”   
“Okay… but it’s an undercover mission so it’s secret, and um… I’m pretty sure it’s illegal.”   
“I know. That’s why I need you.”   
It was his time to move restlessly. “Do you realize that I’m here only to prove that I’m one of the good guys so that I don’t go back to prison?”  
“Yes, I know, but no one will know. It’ll stay between us.”   
He shook his head. “I don’t know Patterson…”  
“I’ll let you be in charge of the next tattoo we solve,” Patterson said, looking at him seriously.   
“Really?”   
“Do I look like I’m joking?”   
Rich tried to assess her and was met by Patterson’s cold gaze. “No. Not at all.”   
“So, are you in?”  
“I’m in.”   
Patterson released the breath she was holding. “Great. So let’s get to work!”   
Rich smiled and sat down eagerly at his desk. 

“Wait. I still have a question.”   
“What?” Patterson just wanted to find Tasha. She knew asking help from Rich of all people was not a great idea. But she didn’t have any other choice. Still, she was starting to regret it.   
“Why do you want to find her so badly? I mean I know she’s your friend, but you were mad at her right? Not sure why but you didn’t talk to her anymore. So why are you so worried about her?”  
Patterson stared at him blankly. “I just need to know she’s safe.”   
“Okay… but why?”  
She didn’t answer but looked away.   
Rich frowned then, suddenly, his face illuminated. “Oh my god… no?”  
“You say anything and I’ll kill you!” She looked at him as if she was actually capable of murdering him.   
“I’m not going to.” He said, grinning.   
Patterson glared at him.   
“I won’t, I promise!”  
With that, he got back to his computer and started typing.   
Under his breath, he muttered, “I always knew toots was a lesbian.”   
Patterson heard him. But instead of being mad at him, she smiled. 

\---

During their search, Patterson was called by her team. One of her lab assistants had solved a tattoo. She regretfully left Rich to work on his own on Tasha’s mission, which was much more encrypted than she thought. It must be a really important operation. And it scared her even more. But for now, she had to focus on the new case. Rich would let her know as soon as he finds out anything. 

At the end of the day, after saving New York from another terrorist attack, Patterson was cleaning her lab. She would then join Rich and ask him if he discovered anything. He hadn’t tried to reach her all day, so that probably meant no. Patterson was starting to believe that the reason they couldn’t find anything was because the mission was extremely dangerous and Tasha was in danger. She couldn’t shake off the feeling that something bad happened to her. But also sometimes, no news meant good news, right? She had a hard time believing that.

As she was about to leave her lab, Rich appeared at the door.   
“I did it!” He exclaimed, holding his tablet.  
Patterson’s heart started to pound in her chest. She was about to know where Tasha is and if she was safe. She waited all day for this. But now she was scared of what she was going to find out.   
She grabbed Rich by the arm and led him into the corridor, where they won’t be disturbed. 

“What did you find? Is Tasha okay? What’s her mission?” Patterson couldn’t hold herself back. She needed to know. She felt herself buzzing with dread and excitement.   
“Okay, calm down! So, yes, I know about her mission, and I can tell you, they really didn’t want anyone to find about it, the encryption was really, really…”  
“Rich!”  
“Sorry!” He opened his tablet and showed her the file.  
“She was sent to Europe to track down a terrorist by the name of Ian Forster.”  
“Oh no.” She suddenly became very pale.   
“What? You know him?”  
“He is one of the most dangerous people on the planet! Why did she go after him! He’s ruthless; he’ll have no mercy if he finds out she’s CIA… Why did they send her?”  
She was starting to freak out.   
“Okay, Patterson, focus!”  
But she didn’t listen to him. She took the tablet from his hands and looked at the file. “Okay, so she went to England, then Sweden, and… then France. She was able to infiltrate his team; of course, she would, she’s the best. They have regular meetings with her; she gave her report everytime, except for the last two days, where she wasn’t at her meeting spot… I can’t see where she is now. Is she still in France?” 

At the lack of answer, Patterson lifted her head. But Rich was looking at her with sorrow.   
“Rich, why is there nothing on her for the last two days?”  
He sighed. “I’m sorry, Patterson. They lost all communications with her. They can’t find her.”   
Patterson started to tremble. This couldn’t be happening. Please, no, not Tasha, not again.   
With a shaky voice, she asked: “What are you saying.” 

He took a deep breath and said: “She’s missing.” 

All of her nightmares were coming true.   
She was losing her, like she lost everyone that mattered to her.   
She’s missing. She lost her. She lost her.  
Patterson vaguely heard Rich called her name before she hit the floor and everything went black.


	3. Where are you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patterson is worried about Tasha and does everything she can to find her (with Rich's help)...

Patterson was freaking out. 

She didn’t have the time. She had to find Tasha. Yet, she couldn’t focus on anything else but her best friend, out there, alone, scared, and most probably in danger. And she was freaking out. She didn’t know where to start or how to get the information she needed. 

That was why Rich was here, in her apartment, in the middle of the night, typing hastily on his keyboard. After all, he was the one who found out where Tasha was, or rather, wasn’t, and given her Intel on her mission. Also, he had woken her up after passing out in the corridor, without alerting anyone (most of the employees had gone home anyway). He was useful, and above all, he was invested. He may not like Tasha very much but he still didn’t want her dead or in danger (at least, that’s what she thought), and he is ready to put his life on the line to help her. He was all she got and she was glad it was him (also, he was the best at his job, she couldn’t have asked for anyone better). 

So, now they were here. At her apartment. Trying to locate Tasha, or at least, find clues of her whereabouts. Well, Rich was doing that. She was freaking out. 

She couldn’t believe that the CIA lost traces of her. They knew the mission was dangerous (she should have never gone in the first place); they should’ve been more careful, monitor her more closely! Now she was left on her own in a foreign country, with a fake identity, and likely pursued by a psychopath who wouldn’t hesitate to kill her! How did it end up like this? 

She couldn’t help herself worrying. Was Tasha okay? Was she hurt? Was she alive? She didn’t want to think about that possibility but her brain didn’t want to work either. 

It was Rich who finally snapped her out of it by asking her for help (“I can’t do everything by myself!”). After a vivid argument earlier in the night, they had finally agreed that they needed to find her, whatever the cost, even though it could lead them to break several laws and end in prison. They were too far gone anyway. Patterson was grateful for him. She could have never done it without him (although he’s still a pain in the ass), especially since they have decided not to involve the team. It was too much of a risk. And they’d probably try to stop them (or call the CIA). Patterson couldn’t let that happen. So, they were on their own. 

Luckily, they were the best. 

\---

When the sun finally rose, Patterson and Rich hadn’t made much progress. They spent the whole night trying to get to the CIA database or infiltrate Forster’s network but to no avail.  
It was the morning and they were exhausted (they drank all the coffee).   
Right now, they were trying to track down Tasha’s path in France, but they kept losing her. They knew she went dark when her cover was compromised. They knew that she was hiding in one of the CIA safe house at some point. Then, she disappeared. They didn’t know if she found somewhere safer to be or if Forster got to her. And acting illegally didn’t provide them with the best tools to lead this investigation. Until something new appeared on their radar, they were stuck. And very tired. 

Rich was falling asleep on his keyboard and Patterson was fighting to stay awake, her head resting on her hand. She needed to find Tasha. She couldn’t sleep. She needed her to be safe. She couldn’t fall asleep…

Her eyes were slowly closing when suddenly she heard a loud beep coming from her computer. She looked it up immediately. Tasha had been spotted on a surveillance camera. 

“Rich! Wake up!” She hit him in the shoulder.   
“What? What did I do?” He grumbled sleepily.   
Patterson ignored him.  
“I found Tasha.”  
He was awake instantly. He leaned towards her screen. “Really? Where?”  
“In Lille. There’s a video.”   
“Play it!”  
Patterson took a deep breath and pressed play. She didn’t know what she was going to see. 

The video was blurry and dark (it must’ve been during the night). It was taken outside of a local bar. After a minute, a female silhouette appeared on the screen. She had short brown hair and when she turned her head toward the camera, Patterson gasped. It was Tasha. She seemed to be waiting for someone. She had her rifle ready.   
Then, a man got out of the bar and everything happened very quickly.   
When she saw him, she fired her gun but the man was expecting it. He dodged the bullet expertly. Tasha didn’t wait; she was ready to fire again. But she was stopped by another man coming from behind her. He hit her violently on the head with his gun. She fell down, stunned but not unconscious. She started to reach for the gun in her belt. The man who came out of the bar kicked her hand away before hitting her in the head once more. She went limp; unconscious this time. The man looked at the camera, revealing himself to them. It was Ian Forster.   
The video ended abruptly.

Patterson was too stunned to move. She could feel tears rolling down her cheeks. 

He had her. He had her.   
They were too late. 

She heard Rich sighed. He turned towards her. She couldn’t look at him.   
“I’m sorry.” 

Sorry? He was sorry? Tasha was at the mercy of that…that monster and he was sorry?

She turned around and met his gaze, looking at him sharply. “It’s not over yet. He’s got her but we can still save her.”   
She started typing furiously on her computer.   
“Patterson…”  
“Don’t!”  
“We don’t have anything! We’re blind on this! He’s got all the cards! There’s nothing we can do…and you know it.” Rich pleaded.   
Patterson stopped.   
“Maybe… maybe we can trace the video…”  
“It was from a local pub in Lille. They’ll be long gone by now.”   
“I need something! I can’t just give up; you need to understand that! Tasha is everything to me; I cannot just abandon her!”  
She was practically yelling at him. She was so scared. Scared of what Tasha was going through right now, scared of what’s going to happen to her, scared that they were too late… She had to do something.   
Rich looked at her with worry and pity.   
“Okay.”  
He went back to his computer. “Maybe we can found something on the video.” He started typing.   
Patterson wiped her tears away and rearranged her hair.   
“Thank you.”   
Rich only nodded. 

After a minute or so, something came up on Rich’s screen.   
“Wait. I think I’ve got something.”   
Patterson leaned towards him. “What?”  
“The video only dates from two hours ago.”   
“What!”  
“Yes! That means that they’re not too far away, and Zapata still has a chance. Also, did you notice that the video only shows us, Zapata and Forster… It’s not the entire footage of the day, it’s a surveillance camera after all, and so if they got the footage and cut it, it means that wait, how did you tell me you got it?”  
“It appeared when I was searching for Tasha’s location… why?”  
“I think we didn’t get it by luck…”   
“How then?”  
“It was sent to us. By him.” He said, pointing to Ian Forster, starring at them from the computer screen.   
“Let me check.” Patterson pushed him out of the way. She couldn’t believe it. It couldn’t be real. If Forster knew who they were, it meant Tasha was in even more danger. It also meant that they were all in danger.   
After checking, Patterson realized that Rich was right. Forster sent it to her.   
“Wait… he didn’t only send it to us. But to everyone.”   
She showed the names to Rich. Their entire team and Keaton were on the list. They all received the video. They all knew now. 

They looked at each other in panic.   
Rich was about to say something when Patterson’s telephone vibrated.   
“It’s Weller. He wants to see us.” 

“Well, they know now so maybe they’ll help us find her,” Rich said.   
“I thought you said it was useless.”   
Rich started grabbing his bag. “Well, we’re a team after all; we’re not going to give up on her now.” He cracked a smile.   
Patterson thanked him silently. She grabbed her bag and followed him outside of her apartment. 

\---

When Patterson and Rich arrived, everyone was already there, even Keaton. They were all waiting. When they joined them, Weller was the first one to speak.   
“I think you all know why we’re all here.”   
“Yes, we’ve all seen the video,” Reade said. “Now, I’d like to know what kind of mission Tasha was on and where she is.” He looked coldly at Keaton.  
“I’m going to explain everything, but you need to know that this was a secret undercover mission of the CIA. It didn’t concern you.”   
“We’ve got the video. Tasha’s one of us. It concerns us. Especially if she’s in danger.” Jane replied, looking dangerously at him.   
Keaton judged them then sighed. He started explaining the situation. 

They were too slow. Every minute passing was a minute when Tasha was suffering. They didn’t have the time.   
She cut them.   
“Okay, we’ve got it. Tasha was on a mission to apprehend Ian Forster. Her cover was compromised and now he’s got her. We can’t lose time. We need to find her.”   
Everyone looked at Patterson, taken aback. But no one moved.   
“Well, you’ve heard what she said. It’s time to do something.” Rich said, backing Patterson.   
Both of them then went to their computers and started working.   
The team quickly joined them. They were surprised but didn’t ask questions. They’ll have time later. Right now, they had a mission. 

\--

An hour passed and they still haven’t got anything new.   
They couldn’t find her. They were in the dark. And it made Patterson worry more and more. She knew they didn’t have a lot of time and they had nothing. Nothing! 

Please, Tasha, hang on. I’m begging you to hang on; we’re coming for you.   
Patterson was almost praying. She needed her to be okay. She wanted to have her back and to tell her how much she loved her. 

Suddenly, Keaton’s phone rang. Everyone looked at him but he went outside to take the call.   
When he came back, his expression was blank.   
They all looked at him worriedly.   
“My team in France found Tasha.”   
They all exhaled, relieved. But Patterson could see that there was something else. He didn’t look happy or relieved. He looked… sorry. She could feel it wasn’t over.   
“What is it?” She asked him.   
He looked at her with sorrow.   
“When they found her, she and Forster had a confrontation. She was badly hurt. And she was shot.”  
Patterson felt like she couldn’t breathe.  
“My team transferred her to the hospital as quickly as they could. But… it was too late. She didn’t make it there. She died in the ambulance… I’m sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY


	4. Why did you leave me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a very gloomy day for Patterson.

Patterson was lying on her bed, wide-awake.

She couldn’t sleep. She hadn’t been able to sleep for the last two days. All she was thinking about was Tasha. She couldn’t stop thinking about her. And it hurt, so much. She had mourned her for the last two days, she had cried, she had screamed, she had begged her to come back. Rich came by at one point to check on her, but she had thrown him out. She wanted to be alone.

But now, she had no more tears left to cry. She didn’t feel any pain. She felt empty. She felt like one piece of her heart, of her soul was missing. She felt numb.

Keaton’s words kept resonating in her mind.

 _Tasha was shot. It was too late._  
_She died in the ambulance…_

She died.

Tasha was dead.

She died alone and scared. She had no one with her.

She left because she thought she was alone. And now, she died alone. She must have been terrified. Patterson couldn’t even imagine what she went through. She had been with Forster for about three hours before Keaton’s team found her. Three hours. What did he do to her? How did she fight him? Did she think she would ever be rescued? After everything that happened, she must have thought that no one was coming for her.

Everyone abandoned her. And now, she was dead.

Patterson didn’t even get to say goodbye.

Tasha had come into her life unexpectedly, and she had left the same way.

She remembered perfectly the first time she ever saw Tasha.

She was already working for the FBI when Weller announced they would welcome a new member in their team. He’d told them that her name was Natasha Zapata. She already loved that name. When Tasha arrived, Patterson was in the lab. She saw her with Weller and she knew that it was her. So she went to meet her. But then, Natasha turned her head towards her, their eyes met and Patterson forgot her own name. She was so beautiful. She couldn’t keep her eyes off of her. Then Natasha smiled at her and Patterson was breathless. She didn’t remember what she said or if she even made sense but she knew that she made Tasha smile a lot that day, and that was all that mattered.

After that day, Patterson promised herself to keep making her smile.

And yet, she failed. Instead of making her smile, of making her happy, she made her miserable and lonely. She made her feel like that. It was her fault.

Now, she was dead and she couldn’t change that. She would never see her smile again. She would never hear her laugh again. She would never tell her a joke and see her face illuminate and her eyes sparkle again.

She would never see her again.

Tasha had gone without having a chance to make it up to her, without a chance to say sorry.

She would never know how much she loved her. How she loved everything about her.

Tasha Zapata would never know that she was in love with her.

Everyone she loved died. Maybe she was cursed. But why was she always the one to survive? Why did she have to watch the people she loved died in front of he eyes one by one?

_Death doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints._

It was so true that it hurt. It was like having a weight on her chest and she was suffocating. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t sleep. She couldn’t eat. She couldn’t think. She couldn’t do anything.

Tasha was the only thing on her mind.

And today was the day of her funeral.

\---

Everyone was dressed in black. They were all gathered in the cemetery, in front of a closed coffin. A coffin in which Tasha’s body was lying.

It was raining, of course.

 _There are moments that the words don’t reach;_  
_There is suffering too terrible to name._

Patterson didn’t feel anything. She was staring at the coffin, not believing it was real. She kept thinking that Tasha was going to show up at any minute, a smile on her face. She would come to her and hug her. She would tell her how much she missed her and how much she loved her. She always loved her.

But it wasn’t going to happen. She was standing in the rain in front of a wooden box.

 _We push away what we can never understand;_  
_We push away the unimaginable._

How did they get here? How did they lose her?

She thought Tasha was invincible. That she was indestructible. She had believed in a fantasy. Because she couldn’t imagine her life without her. She can’t imagine her life without her. And yet here she was.

Standing in a crowd of strangers. Mourning a partner, a friend, an almost lover.

She lost her.

 _Those you’ve known_  
_And lost still walk behind you_  
_They linger till they find you_  
_Without them_  
_The world grows dark around you_

Once everyone was gone, Patterson found herself alone in front of the freshly covered tomb. Only then did she allow herself to cry.

“I’m sorry Tasha. I’m so sorry. I let you down. I wasn’t there for you when you needed it the most.”

 _Those you’ve pained_  
_May carry that still with them_  
_All the same_  
_They whisper "All forgiven"_  
_Still, your heart says_  
_The shadows bring the starlight_  
_And everything you’ve ever been_  
_Is still there in the dark night._

“I forgive you. And I hope that you can forgive me too. You were my best friend and I loved you. I loved you more than you’ll ever know.”

 _Though you know_  
_You’ve left them far behind_  
_You walk on by yourself_  
_And not with them_  
_Still, you know_  
_They will fill_  
_Your heart and mind_  
_When they say_  
_There’s a way through this._

“I miss you. I’ll always miss you. You took my heart with you and I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back. But, for you, I won’t give up. I’ll fight through this. And I’ll make sure that no one forgets you. You’ll always be there, in my heart, my love.”

 _Those you’ve known_  
_And lost still walk behind you_  
_All alone_  
_Their song still seems to find you_  
_They call you_  
_As if you knew their longing_  
_They whistle through the lonely wind_  
_The long blue shadows falling_ Patterson raised her hands to her lips and blew a kiss to her.

“I love you.”

\---

A figure was standing in the shadow, hiding, so near and yet so far away. She looked at the blonde one last time before leaving without a word, disappearing into the darkness once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, don't hate me? 
> 
>  
> 
> Also the lyrics are from Hamilton (Wait for it; It's Quiet Uptown) and Spring Awakening (Those You've Known)


	5. Wait for me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was dark. She could hear someone scream.   
> What happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait!  
> I hope you'll forgive me now :)

She was running. It was dark. So dark. She couldn’t see anything. She didn’t know where she was. She was still running. She needed to see the light again. 

Why was she running? She couldn’t remember. She just needed to… Why did she need to do?   
Where was she? It was so dark, so cold…   
She couldn’t see. She couldn’t see!   
She tried to cry for help but there was no one. She was alone. No one could hear her, no one could see her. It was just her and the dark.   
She screamed. 

\---

Something was beeping.   
Continuously.   
That was all she could hear. This continuous, annoying beeping.   
What was it? Why wasn’t it stopping? It was giving her a headache.   
Was she awake? Was she dreaming?   
She couldn’t open her eyes. She couldn’t see. She couldn’t talk.  
Her throat was burning. Her body felt heavy. Everything hurt.   
What happened?   
She could hear whispers. Where was she? Who was here?   
She wanted to see, she wanted to speak, but she couldn’t move. She was paralyzed.   
She felt something tingled her arm. And then nothing.

\---

Someone was screaming.   
It wasn’t dark anymore. She was in a white room.   
Wait. No. She was in the FBI building. She was in the therapy room. And Patterson was sitting in front of her.  
Patterson.   
It had been so long since she had seen her. She was still so beautiful. She wanted to hug her, to kiss her. She smiled at her. But Patterson wasn’t smiling back. She looked angry. Her eyes were cold.   
“What are you doing here, Zapata?” Her tone was harsh.   
She was confused. “I..I don’t know…” She mumbled.   
“You don’t know?”   
Patterson’s expression was blank.   
“I wanted to see you…” She said weakly.   
“You wanted to see me? After everything you’ve done? After betraying me, betraying the team? You don’t deserve to be here.”   
She was now trembling. “I am so sorry…I never meant to hurt you.”   
“Yeah, you already said that. The team may have forgiven you but I haven’t. How would I ever? You were my friend! You were supposed to be on my side, always! But no, you chose your job, your career. And now, you want me to forgive you? You broke my trust, Tasha, you broke us. There is no going back.”  
The room was spinning. She couldn’t breathe.   
“Patterson…”   
She felt tears falling down her cheeks.   
“It’s over Tasha.”   
She was suffocating.  
“You should’ve chosen me.”   
Patterson disappeared.   
Tasha found herself standing in the room, alone. She looked around frantically, searching for Patterson. No! Patterson! I’m sorry!   
Someone was screaming.   
No. Not someone.   
She was screaming.   
It went dark again. 

\---

The beeping wouldn’t stop.   
She swore that if it didn’t stop quickly, she would lose it.   
Her eyelids were heavy. But after a while, she succeeded to open her eyes lightly.   
Everything was hazy. She was in a white room. Too white. Too bright. She closed her eyes, blinded. She heard people, whispering, talking. They were near her.   
She tried to say something but her throat hurt.   
“Shhh, don’t try to talk. It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay.”  
She opened her eyes once again, slightly. She could see a figure standing next to her, leaning over a machine. Maybe that was what making that horrible sound. The person smiled to her and left.   
No!   
She wanted her to stay. She didn’t want to be alone.   
Where was she? What happened?   
She tried to move but her whole body hurt. She felt like she had been run over by a truck. Her stomach was the worst. She put her hand over the sore spot and winced in pain.   
She didn’t remember how she ended up here.   
She only remembered screaming. And Patterson.   
She couldn’t get Patterson out of her head. Her disappointment, her anger, her stiffness. All because of her.   
How she missed her. How she wished she could see her and beg her to forgive her. But it was too late. She was stuck here. Wherever here was.   
She was losing track of her thoughts. She was losing track of reality.   
She felt herself falling back into darkness. 

\---

She wasn’t in a white room. There was no beeping.   
She was in a house. It was warm and welcoming. Someone was cooking, the smell was spreading through the house.   
It wasn’t any house.   
It was her abuelita’s house. It was the place where she had spent the happiest moments of her childhood.   
She closed her eyes. Breathing in. Smiling softly.   
It was her safe place.   
“Honey, don’t stay standing here. Come sit down with me.”  
She opened her eyes. Her abuelita was arranging on a plate the cookies she had just made. She sat down at the table, waiting for her.   
Tasha hadn’t seen her for such a long time. She missed her so much.   
She smiled at her and joined her. Her abuelita was looking at her with such tenderness, such kindness. She pushed a cookie towards her.   
“Eat. You’re too skinny.”   
Tasha laughed, wiping her tears away and taking the cookie.   
“What is it, cariño?”  
She took her hand softly. She was so warm.   
“I don’t know what I’m doing abuelita. I’m lost. I lied to my team, to my best friend. I betrayed the person I trust and love the most. And now, she won’t talk to me. I don’t know what to do for her to forgive me.”   
She squeezed her hand.   
“If she really loves you, she’ll forgive you.”  
Tasha’s lips were trembling. “I don’t know if she loves me.”   
“Well, there’s only one way to know.” Her abuelita smiled at her. “You must face her, you must face your problems. You don’t run away. You should never run.”  
She lowered her head, ashamed. “I know, I’m sorry….”  
She took her chin in her hand and raised her head gently. “Don’t apologize. Act. You need to get back to that girl and tell her how you feel about her. You have to go back, Tasha. You have to fight.”  
She looked at her abuelita, overcome with emotions.   
“I will. I promise you I will.”   
She nodded, still smiling softly.   
“Tell Patterson that she has my blessing.” She told her before disappearing.   
The room evaporated and it was dark again. 

\---

Tasha could now sit up in her bed without feeling excruciating pain. That was a start.   
She could also see and hear everything around her.   
She had pushed every button on that damn machine until the beeping stopped. The nurses hadn’t been pleased but did nothing.   
She could speak again. She was eating and drinking. She was getting better.   
Still, she was alone. The nurses and her doctor were her only company. But now, she was ready to fight. She was ready to fight for herself, for Patterson, for her team. She wasn’t going to give up. She needed to get her strength back. So she could see Patterson again. So she could hug her and make her smile again.   
She was her motivation.  
She was going to see her again. That was all that mattered.   
She just had to wait. 

\---

She didn’t think that the first time she would see her again, she would be hiding in the darkness, during her own funeral. She also didn’t know that she wouldn’t be able to speak to her.   
It seemed like fate was against them. She hated having to witness this, but it was necessary. She knew it.   
Still, seeing Patterson cry broke her heart into a million pieces.   
I’m here! She wanted to scream at her.   
I’m here, I didn’t leave you.   
I’m sorry.   
I love you. 

But it would’ve to wait.   
She would see her again. She would speak to her again. But no now, not here.   
Someday.   
And she hoped that when she would, Patterson would have forgiven her. She hoped that she’d found again the Patterson she knew and loved. They would have to both survive the months that would come.   
She was ready. Because she knew she would see her again.   
She just hoped Patterson wouldn’t give up. She hoped that, in her heart, she knew she was still there.   
She needed to have faith.   
She will see her again. 

She just had to wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TADAA   
> To be continued... :)


	6. So far yet so close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tasha continues her mission all over the world to capture Forster. Patterson faces a life without Tasha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry for the making you wait so much :( I had so many things to deal with, I didn't have the strength to continue writing.  
> I've written a long chapter, hoping it will make up for the wait!

**Greece. July 15 th. 8am**

Tasha loved summer.

She loved feeling the sun on her skin, warm and soft. In New York, she did not often get the opportunity to enjoy a sunny day. She missed the heat and the blue clear skies. It felt so good. It reminded her of home.

Unfortunately, she wasn’t on a vacation. On the contrary, she was sent there, to the white beaches of Greece, because Ian Forster, the man who supposedly killed her, had been spotted here a few days ago. ‘A few days ago’ was a sloppy Intel but it was the only thing she had, so she would have to make it work. She had no choice. She was going to make him pay for everything he’s done to her. To her and to others (Tasha couldn’t shake away the image of Patterson crying at her funeral). She wanted to make him suffer.

But not right now. She had to find him first, and he was a difficult man to find.

For now, she was waiting for her contact to reach to her. She was staying in a shabby apartment with no view. But at least, it was sunny and warm; and in the morning, it was a nice feeling.

She was sitting on one of the only chairs of the apartment, a mug of coffee in her hand. She was watching the family in the building opposite from hers getting their son ready for school. It looked so normal, so simple. Yet, so far away.

Tasha wondered if she would ever know such normalcy. Would she even be the marrying type? No, that wasn’t her life.

Still. She couldn’t help but imagined what it would be like.

Her mind immediately went to Patterson. She imagined waking next to her in the morning; kissing her, cuddling her; doing everything that a couple does. They would take breakfast together; Patterson, with her hair ruffled, would be grumpy till she had her first cup of coffee. And that would make her laugh. But then, she would kiss her and everything would be better. Tasha was a good cook; she would make her pancakes and waffles every morning if she wanted to. They would live in an apartment a bit away from the city, so that they could enjoy the midnight sky, where they would watch the stars.

With her cup of coffee in her hands, Tasha’s mind kept drifting away.

Maybe, after a while, they would have children. Tasha always wanted children; but only if the right person came. And Patterson was the right person; she knew it. She imagined them having blue eyes and dark hair. They would be so cute. She would teach them everything about stars and Patterson would turn them into little geniuses. They would do picnics and weekends at the beach. It would be perfect.

Too perfect.

Tasha sighed.

She mustn’t forget her reality. It wasn’t good to dwell on dreams. She knew better.

She had to focus; she had a mission to accomplish.

She gripped her cup of coffee tightly as she watched the family leave their apartment, ready for the day.

Maybe one day, she thought. Maybe.

But for now, she had a job to do.

\---

**New York. July 15 th. 1am**

Patterson couldn’t sleep.

She came home early; which was quite unusual for her. But they had solved a case in the afternoon and she had (surprisingly) nothing left to do at work. There was no point in staying there.

Before… Before everything, she could have stayed up all night without hesitation. Her lab, her office, they were her home. Now… it was different. Everything had changed.

Now, everywhere she would go, she would see Tasha.

In her lab, Tasha was sitting next to her computer, drinking her coffee, waiting. Or she was standing next to her, laughing loudly at one of her jokes. She saw her everywhere. She was in the corridor, talking to someone on the team or waiting for the elevator, waving goodbye. She was sitting at her desk, looking over some files, smiling at her when she would see her. She was listening to Reade giving them their next mission, her face serious and stern. Then, she would wink at her when she would start explaining the tattoo.

She was eating a muffin on her desk. She was asking her to go to dinner together. She was laughing softly at her in the elevator. She was staying late helping her organize her file. She was in her lab, smiling at her and calling her a nerd.

She was everywhere.

Tasha was like a ghost; haunting her, never leaving her alone. Every time she looked up, she was here. Always so beautiful, so ethereal. But everytime she tried to touch her, she would disappear in thin air. Like a dream.

A magnificent, but cruel dream.

And here she was, back in her apartment where the ghost-like Tasha would not follow her, sitting on her couch, a cup of coffee in her hands, looking at the night sky.

She couldn’t see the stars. Tasha loved stars. But tonight, she couldn’t see them; and maybe it was for the best.

She wasn’t angry at her anymore. Nor she was sad. It had been a few months now, and she wasn’t really okay, but she would be, in time.

And she had a lot of time. She just had to learn to live without.

Patterson sighed as she watched the starless sky, gripping her cup of coffee tightly and curling up on herself. Maybe time would be lenient.

\---

**Poland. September 3 rd. 10pm**

The dance hall was filled with music and fairy lights. People were scattered all around the room, either dancing or talking.

Tasha was watching.

She was looking for someone particular. This man, General Pawel Sidlo, had very useful connections around the country; some of them that could lead her to Forster. However, Sidlo was also an extremely powerful man and getting to him would be hard. But Tasha was not here to play nice.

With the Intel of this man, she was one step closer of her goal, and she was not about to give up now. She just had to get close enough.

Pawel Sidlo was talking vividly with a group of women, all young and beautiful. He was probably trying to charm them into his bed. She needed his full attention; and she knew how to get it.

Tasha quietly walked towards him. Her deep blue dress was embracing her every movement. It fitted her perfectly. Her hair was long enough to be put into a sophisticated bun, letting only a few locks of hair free, shaping elegantly her face. She was dazzling.

But above all, her stance was bewitching. She was standing in the room as if she owned it. It was her kingdom. No one mattered but her. Her eyes were burning. She almost looked feral.

When Sidlo spotted her, she knew she had him. He looked at her like she was the most precious thing in the world. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her. He looked entranced.

She smiled at him and it was over. He quickly dismissed the girls around him and walked towards her. He took one of her hands and kissed it.

“Good evening, Miss. My name is Pawel Sidlo, may I know yours?”

In perfect Polish, she replied: “Natalia Kowalski, Sir. I am delighted to meet you” She gave him her most seductive smile.

The man seemed mesmerized. “Natalia,” he repeated. “Would you do me the honour of dancing with me?”

Natalia Kowalski agreed. She danced with him most of the night; Sidlo never leaving her side. She had become his.

Well, Natalia was his.

For Tasha, he was hers. He had fallen easily into her trap like she had predicted. _Men_ …

Now, she only had to wait for him to take her into his chambers and it would be over. Tasha would take the upper hand and she would get the information she needed.

Sidlo had been so entranced by her that he didn’t notice the knives she had concealed under her dress or even the gun that was strapped to her back, hidden by the bulky fabric of her dress.

 _God_ , she thought, _the man didn’t stand a chance_.

\---

**New York. September 3 rd. 2pm.**

Patterson made her way towards the main hall.

Her heels were clicking against the floor, making her presence known. They were awaiting her. She entered the room; her eyes determined.

“Good afternoon, gentlemen.” She greeted them.

They were five. They all bowed their head in salutation.

“Mrs Anderson, we are pleased that you could join us.”

“The pleasure is all mine,” Anna Anderson replied, a smile plastered on her face. “But we are not here to make small talk, are we?”

“No, of course. If you could follow me.”

They all moved to a more private room, which was filled with computers, security cameras and others. For Anna Anderson, this was the best day of her life. She would do what they wanted her to do and she would leave with a suitcase full of dollars. For Patterson, however, this was all the proof she needed. She smiled, satisfied.

“This is everything I need. Thank you, gentlemen.”

Anna sat down at one of the computers, ready to work. “You can leave me now. I’ll tell you when I’m done.”

“We rather stay, Mrs Anderson.” One of them said. “You understand that we have to be extremely careful with that kind of equipment. We don’t want it to fall in the wrong hands.” Patterson forced herself to nod. “We don’t want that, indeed.”

 _Well, that_ complicates _things a little_ , she thought. _Only a little._

Patterson didn't dressed up for nothing. She never did things halfway.

Her knee-length red dress was concealing a gun strapped to her thigh. Her blonde hair was put into an elegant bun, which was held together with a thin but very sharp metal hairpin. In one of her shoes, she had a USB key, ready to download everything on these computers.

She was exactly where she needed to be. Company or not.

She put on her best smile. “Very well, then. Let’s get started.”

\---

**Russia. November 26 th. 4am.**

She almost had him. She was so close.

Tasha was running.

Well, she wasn’t exactly running. She was chasing someone. And that particular someone happened to be Ian Forster. She had found him, at last. After months of investigations, months of deep covers, months of following false leads. After spending months of her life away from her family, from her friends, from her team, from her love; she had finally found him.

Forster had taken shelter in the deep north of Russia, somewhere deserted. Somewhere no human life has been recorded for years. Somewhere where he was too visible. That had been his first mistake.

His second mistake was underestimating her. He thought that sending his men to take care of her would be enough. But she was stronger and cleverer than any of them. And above all, she was determined. She would see this mission through. She would see him dead or imprisoned. She would put a stop to all of this. She would go home.

Now, he was open and unprotected; and despite the heavy snow, she was faster. She would get to him. It was only a matter of time.

When she got close enough, she tackled him and pushed him to the ground. She had waited for this moment for such a long time; she was ready to kill him. But she didn’t. Her mission was to apprehend him and she was going to do that. She would not give him the satisfaction of killing him. She wasn’t him. He had to suffer. He had to pay for his crimes.

When he tried to resist, she punched him, rendering him unconscious. She knew the rescue team wasn’t far away. They would find her. She only had to wait.

She dropped on the ground, besides Forster unconscious body. She laid on her back in the snow, her head towards the sky.

It was night. The sky was clear and full of stars. They were beautiful.

At one point, she even thought she saw a shooting star.

Maybe she should make a wish but she couldn’t think of anything. But only one thing was on her mind:

_I’m coming home._

She laughed at that.

\---

**New York. November 26 th. 9pm.**

Another day, another successful mission.

Since when did her life get so monotonous? Patterson thought.

Actually, she knew when. And it had everything to do with a beautiful Latina. A beautiful _dead_ Latina.

She sighed. She had to get her life back together. Her job was her passion, always had been, but now it didn’t enthrall her as before. She couldn’t find satisfaction anywhere. Life seemed so… dull.

She heard people laugh.

She was at Jane and Weller’s apartment, celebrating his daughter’s third birthday. She had stayed with them as long as she could, but she needed some quiet. So, she took shelter on the balcony, looking at the sky.

Usually, the New York sky was so grey and dark that the stars were not visible. They were tonight. Patterson could only see a few, but they were shining so bright. It was like they were telling her: _we are here_.

She can’t see them most of the time but they are here. Always.

Like Tasha. She would always be here, somewhere, like a star, looking over her; she just couldn’t see her.

Patterson closed her eyes a brief instant, feeling the fresh air on her face.

She could hear her whispering: _I’m here_.

Opening her eyes and looking at the stars, she whispered back: _I know._

Then, she smiled.

\---

Inside, the celebration was cut short as Reade’s phone rang. He went outside to answer it. It was Keaton. He had news.

Reade came back to put him on speaker. Patterson joined them.

Weller asked him why what the reason for his call.

Keaton’s answer was unexpected.

“It’s about Ian Forster. My agent intercepted him in Russia. We are bringing him here. My agent is coming back too. Trust me, you’ll want to meet her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL WHAT DID YOU THINK  
> Next chapter: reunion??


	7. Is it real?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reunion you've been waiting for!!

_“It’s about Ian Forster. My agent intercepted him in Russia. We are bringing him here. My agent is coming back too. Trust me, you’ll want to meet her.”_

Keaton always talked in riddles and Patterson hated it. The last time they had any connection with him, Tasha died. He was the one who announced it to them. And now, he wanted to be involved with them again? After everything? He wanted to present them his agent. Why? So she could be part of the team? Hell, no. Of course, she was glad that she arrested Forster; that she finally put a stop to this monster. He deserved to be locked up all his life, and to suffer, horribly, for what he did. She was grateful for her. Really. But she didn’t want her on their team. She couldn’t just come and replace Tasha. No. It was too soon, too fast.

 She really hoped it wouldn’t be that.

 ---

 Tasha was on the plane back home. She had never been so anxious in her entire life, and heaven knows she had been in stressful situations.

 But this was the scariest thing she ever did.

Even if she hadn’t been the one to actually make the decision of faking her own death to finish the mission, she still did it. She went along with it. And she regretted nothing. She had finally caught that bastard and he would be able to pay for everything he’s done. She had made the right choice. She knew that.

Yet, her team, the people she considered her family, believed she was dead. Worse even, Patterson thought she was dead. And it has been months. Months of denial, grief, anger, loss, and eventually, acceptance. They now got used to work, to live, to be without her. Even Patterson. And she was going to step back into their lives, back into her life.  Still, she couldn’t wait to see her again. To see her smile, to hear her laugh, just to be near her. She wanted to hold her and tell her everything. Being so close to death made her realize a few things, and one of these things was that she didn’t want to be without her.

But first, she had to reappear in their life. She had no idea how she was going to do that.

Thankfully, she had a few hours before her.

 —-

They were all gathered in the reunion room, waiting for Keaton. Patterson still didn’t know what he wanted to tell them (and what was so special about that agent of his). She didn’t want to see him, even less, talk to him. She hoped it’d be over soon.

Keaton entered the room. Everyone looked at him, expectantly.  
“So... I’ve called up this meeting to discuss the Forster case...”  
“There is no Forster case anymore” Patterson interrupted him coldly, “your agent put him away, didn't she? Or do we have to clean up behind you?”  
Keaton looked at her annoyed.  
“Yes, she did. She’s the best. But there is something you need to know about her.”  
They looked at him blankly, waiting. Patterson had already had enough. She sighed in frustration. “Spit it out, Keaton.”  
She quickly saw Reade give her a warning look but she ignored it. 

Keaton looked nervous. “What I’m going to say is not going to be easy to hear but you need to understand that there was no other choice.” Patterson was going to strangle him if he kept being like this. “With everything we lived through these past few months, I don’t think anything would surprise us now.” She said, raising her eyebrows. Keaton glared at her. “This is especially why it’s difficult to say.” She really was going to kill him. “It’s about Tasha.”

Patterson froze. She felt like time was repeating itself.

Patterson couldn’t breathe. She couldn't move. This was too real. Was it a nightmare? Why was it happening again? Tasha was dead. She was dead because of him. There was nothing more to say or do. So why was he bringing it back? 

Tasha’s dead”, Patterson whispered.  
She felt tears formed in her eyes. But she wasn’t going to cry in front of him. No, she was going to murder him. She was a scientist, she could plan the perfect murder and she was seriously thinking about it.  
But Keaton ignored her and kept going.  
“That night, when Forster escaped, we knew that we’ll have to put all of our resources on this man. We knew that the only way to stop him was to use everything we had against him, and especially, someone who’ll want nothing more but to see him behind bars. Or dead.”  
“The agent I sent to do it had more than enough reasons. And she knew him more personally than most. She was the only one who could do it.”

The team was silent. And confused. “Why are you telling us this?” Jane asked. But before Keaton could respond, Patterson spoke.

“Who is she?”

There was a beat. Everyone was looking at him expectantly. Patterson was slightly trembling.

Then, a voice spoke behind them. “She is me.”

They all turned around and stop breathing. This couldn’t be real, this couldn’t be real. Her mind was playing her tricks. This couldn’t happen. She was dreaming.

Because standing in front of her of her was a very alive Tasha.

—-

The room went silent. They all stood there, stunned. No one knew what to do. Tasha was alive. She was standing in front of them. But how? They buried her. They were at her funeral. They mourned her. How was it possible? How could she be standing there? How?

Jane was the first to react. She stepped forward and took her in her arms, as tightly as possible. “Oh my god...”  
Tasha was more awkward. She hugged her back and smiled, but she seemed tense.  
“How... how are you even alive? What really happened?”  
“I’ll explain everything, I promise you. I owe you that, but I need to take care of Forster first. I just... I’m so sorry... I never wanted to lie to you, especially on this, but it wasn’t my call and I...”

She met Patterson’s eyes and she felt like she was drowning. “I’m so sorry...” she said again, looking at the blonde. But Patterson turned away. Tasha wanted to go to her and hug her and kiss her and tell her how sorry she was, how much she missed, how she thought about her every hour of everyday. However, as she was leaning towards the blonde, Reade came into her view and took her in his arms. "I don’t know how that’s even possible but I am so glad that you’re not dead.” She smiled. Weller and Rich were next. God, how she had missed them. They were her family and she had felt like a piece of her was missing. Now, she felt whole again. Well, not entirely, she thought, looking at Patterson, who was standing in a corner of the room, looking like she had just seen a ghost.

“Patterson...” Tasha started. She was so pale she thought she was going to pass out. Tasha walked tentatively towards her, not wanting to push her. But before she could do anything, Patterson crossed the space that separated them and pulled her into a tight hug. This was the best hug she ever had. She felt at home. She felt like she could breathe again. Patterson was there, in her arms, and everything was suddenly alright. “I missed you so much.” Patterson’s whispered, her voice shaking. “I love you,” Tasha responded. 

She didn’t care if this wasn’t the time or the place. She needed her to know. She felt Patterson smile against her hair and she hugged her tighter.

She had been dead and now she wasn’t. Everything else didn’t matter. It was just the two of them and they were going to make the most of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! I hope you liked it :)  
> I don't know how many chapters are left but probably 2-3 max so almost the end!


	8. I need to feel you in my arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tasha and Patterson have a drink and maybe more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I had a hard time writing this one but hopefully, I came up with something good!

The day passed in a blurry. 

After the short reunion with the team, Tasha had to leave quite precipitously to take care of Forster’s imprisonment and, obviously, she had paperwork waiting for her at the CIA, to explain her mission and, especially, to explain why she wasn’t dead. She couldn't stay, no matter how much she wanted to. 

Patterson didn’t want to let her go. She just had her back and she didn’t want to spend another minute without her. Unfortunately, she had to. Tasha had things to settle and she actually had a job to do. 

Tonight, Tasha had promised her. Tonight. 

They were going for a drink then, and Tasha would explain everything. 

Tonight. 

She couldn’t wait. 

\---

Tasha was nervous. 

She was waiting for Patterson, sitting at the counter of a very empty bar. To be fair, she was very early; but she didn’t want to miss another second with her. Also, she was too stressed to stay at work and just wait there. She didn’t know what she was going to do, what she was going to tell her.

The truth, she thought.  
Yes, the truth. But where would she start? How would she explain everything? 

Tasha had no time to think about it as she felt someone standing beside her.  
Her breath got caught in her throat. “Patterson.” She was standing there, in front of her, like a dream. Except this was real. So very real. And she was so beautiful. 

Patterson was standing so close to her, yet she didn’t dare to touch her. She still couldn’t believe it. She was looking at her like she was going to disappear at any moment.  
“Tasha.” She whispered. “I still can’t believe you’re really here.”

There was an awkward silence. Then, Tasha stood up and pulled her into a tight hug. Paterson responded eagerly. They hugged for what felt like hours. They didn’t want to let go of each other. 

At one point, Tasha let go of her gently.  
“Patterson...” she started, feeling sort of scared all of the sudden. She had to tell her all the truth and it was not all very pretty.  
She sat down and locked eyes with the blonde, who followed suit.  
She took a deep breath. “Before I’m explaining everything, I want you to know that I’m sorry. Truly sorry. I never meant to hurt you, to hurt any of you. I would have never lie to you if I had a choice. I once told you that soon my job was my duty and I would honour that till the day I die. But I know that it’ll never justify everything I made you go through. Not in the least; I know that. And I know that I’m never going to be able to make it up to you.  
But you must know that not a day goes by without feeling guilty, without thinking about you and all the pain I put you through.”  
Tasha knew that she needed to tell her everything right now; otherwise, she would never find it in herself to go through it again.  
Patterson was looking at her with teary eyes, but she kept quiet. Tasha was grateful to her. 

She took Patterson’s hands in hers.  
“This is why I want you to know the entire truth. I don’t want to be any secrets or blindspot between us.”  
Tasha took a deep breath. “If you want me to, I’m going to tell you everything. From the moment I woke up after Forster shot me and Keaton told me I had a new mission, to the moment I step back into your life.”

She looked at Patterson, heartedly.  
“Is it okay with you?”  
Patterson didn’t answer. Instead, she squeezed her hands and smiled at her softly.  
This was all she needed. 

—-

Patterson and Tasha have been talking for hours. Well, Tasha did most of the talking; Patterson was silently listening. 

Now that she had told her truth, Tasha felt like she could breathe again like a weight had been lifted off of her chest. She felt free. Something that she hasn’t felt for a very long time. And it felt amazing.

Patterson... Patterson was grateful. For so many things (the first one was Tasha being alive) but she felt a bit overwhelmed. Now, she knew everything. She knew that Tasha hadn’t decided to fake her death, Keaton had made the choice for her. She knew that Tasha wouldn’t have been able to live with herself if she didn’t catch the bastard who killed so many and almost killed her. She knew that Tasha couldn’t go home and let them know she wasn’t dead until her mission was over. And, most important of all, she knew that Tasha had thought of her every day, if not every minute. And it warmed her heart more than she knew it should. But she didn’t care; because she had missed Tasha terribly as well and she still couldn’t believe she came back to her. 

So yes, Patterson was grateful. She was also very enthralled by the brunette in front of her.  
She knew that she’d do anything to keep Tasha with her, whatever it costs her. 

She locked eyes with her. “Tash... whatever is in the past is done. We’ve been over it a thousand times and it only cost us pain. The past doesn’t matter now. Not to me, anyway.”  
Tasha was looking at her intently, her lower lip trembling slightly.  
Patterson took her hand. “Will you move on from the past and live in the present, with me?”  
Tasha let out a shaky laugh. “Yes. Yes, I will. Absolutely.”  
Patterson grinned and hugged her tightly. 

While still in the brunette’s arms, she whispered: “did you mean it when you said that you loved me earlier?”  
She heard Tasha hold her breath. They were still in each other arms; Tasha not trusting herself to look at her directly.  
Against her ear, she murmured: “yes.”  
Patterson smiled against her hair and pulled back slowly.  
She looked at her, lips slightly parted and desire burning in her eyes. She moved her hands so they would rest on each side of her face. She drew closer to her; their foreheads were now touching. She could hear Tasha’s breath quickening. Her hands moved to her waist. Patterson leaned in and Tasha closed her eyes.  
When their lips finally met, it was like a firework exploded inside both of them. They had waited so long to be able to do that and, now, it was perfect. Just perfect. 

The kiss lasted until they gasped for air. When they broke apart, Patterson was still leaning against her; their foreheads and noses touching. She opened up her eyes. Tasha’s were still closed, reliving this moment of bliss.  
Patterson leaned closer and whispered: “I love you too.”  
Tasha smiled and kissed her again. 

That night, Tasha not only felt free, she felt whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it :)


	9. I am yours and you are mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patterson and Tasha can finally breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the last chapter of this fic...   
> I hope that you've enjoyed reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it :)   
> I made you wait quite a few times and I'm sorry about that! I hope you're gonna like this chapter :)

When Tasha woke up; her first thought was that she wasn’t at her place. Then, she remembered that she didn’t have a home after faking her death. It was only after that she realized that she wasn’t at a stranger’s place, but on the contrary, she was somewhere she knew very well. She was at Patterson’s. 

Her head was pounding from all the alcohol she had been drinking and she felt DROWSY? with sleep. She turned around in the bed and was met with a warm, sleepy body. 

This seemed to trigger her memory as events from last night came back to her suddenly.   
She remembered meeting Patterson for a drink and apologizing. She remembered Patterson forgiving her. But most importantly, she remembered Patterson kissing her. And that after that first kiss, nothing and no one could stop them. One thing led to another, and they found themselves stumbling into Patterson’s bedroom; hands caressing every inch of skin they could find and holding each other so close it hurt. The night had only been kissing, touching and making love. Just the two of them, finding each other at last, and not letting go. It had been perfect. 

And it still was. 

Tasha smiled as she watched the other girl sleep peacefully. Patterson was facing her but half of her head was buried in her pillow and blanket. Her hair was a mess and she seemed to be muttering something. This was by far one of the best views she ever had in the morning. 

After a while, Patterson started to move and her eyes opened slowly. She seemed a bit disoriented until her gaze fell on Tasha, and she smiled brightly. 

“Hi,” she whispered to her lover.  
“Hey,” Tasha responded as softly.   
Patterson moved one hand from under the sheets and let it fall on Tasha’s face, tucking gently a lock of hair behind her ear. “I didn’t know if I’d find you here,” she confessed, “I was afraid that I’d all be a dream.”  
Tasha smiled and grabbed her hand, intertwining their fingers. “It’s not. I’m here.”   
“You are,” Patterson repeated, giggling softly, “and you’re staying.”   
“Well, since I don’t have anywhere else to go, yes, I am staying.”   
“I’m more than happy to open my door for you; if you follow the rules,” the blonde said, cheekily.   
“You have rules?”   
“Of course, I have! Who doesn’t?”   
“You don’t need to have rules, you are a grown-up!”   
“This is exactly why I have them. And if you’re staying, you better follow them!”  
Patterson was so adorable when she was serious, and Tasha couldn’t take it. She leaned towards her and kissed her.   
But Patterson drew back. “One of the rules is no kissing before washing our teeth.” With that, she started to get up.   
“C’mon!” Tasha fell back into her pillow, while the blonde was out of the bed, putting on underwear and an oversized t-shirt.   
“But, if you make me breakfast, maybe I could make some exceptions.” She said, winking at her.   
Tasha was out of bed in no time and all she could hear was Patterson’s laughter. 

Later that morning, Tasha recalled a time when she was watching a family getting ready for the day, wishing to have the same. It felt like a lifetime ago when she was a different person. Now, she finally had that; with the girl of her dreams. And she had never been happier. 

\---

That day, they stayed home. Together.   
They had so much to catch up, and well, they didn’t want to let go of each other. The day was mostly spent between the kitchen and the bedroom. It was their own heaven. 

They had time to talk, to laugh, to kiss. They were in peace and they had each other. It was enough for them. 

\---

Weller had organized a party for Tasha’s return later that day, and of course, they had to come. It was quite difficult to get out of the bed, but after a few attempts, they finally made it to the party. 

Everyone was there. All of their team; but also Keaton, Allie and Sarah and Sawyer had even made the trip to see her. All of her family was here and she felt at home. Finally. 

In all that happy chaos, Patterson was a bit suffocated. Tasha was surrounded from all sides, everyone asking her about the last few months, or what she was going to do next, was she going to stay, or just wanting to be near her, to feel her breathing and living (as Patterson had been since she came back to her). This was Tasha’s party, so it was expected. But still, Patterson needed to breathe, to get away from all of this.

She stepped outside on the balcony, exhaling heavily and taking in the view. New York looked beautiful tonight. Quite unexpectedly, the sky was clear and the stars were shining brightly. 

Patterson remembered standing there only a few nights ago, watching the stars, thinking about Tasha. She had felt so lonely. So lonely and miserable. But, looking at the stars, she felt hope. Hope that Tasha was, in a way, close to her. That she had never left her side.   
Her wish had come true. 

Despite everything, she had her back and the stars never looked brighter.   
Patterson closed her eyes and smiled. She didn’t hear someone opening and closing the door to the balcony and standing next to her. 

“The stars are beautiful tonight.”   
The voice startled her and she opened her eyes at once. But she knew the voice, and she recognized the profile that was leaning against the rail, head turned towards the sky. Tasha was smiling.  
“They are.”   
The brunette turned her head towards her, worry and love in her eyes. “Are you okay?”  
Patterson shook her head and took Tasha’s hand in hers. She brought it to her lips, kissing it softly. “I am now,” she said sincerely. 

Tasha’s face lightened up and she leaned in closer. They heard laughter and shouts. But they merely smiled at the disruption as their lips met. 

They kissed under the night starry sky, overlooking the city that never sleeps. It looked like a romance from a cheap movie. Except there was no guy saving the day and getting the girl at the end. They both fought and they both lost. But at the end, they both saved each other. 

It was a romance like no other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! I loved all of your kudos and comments <33


End file.
